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The Harvard Independent
Harvard's Weekly Newsmagazine
"Going Commando"
Conquering the jungle, one pair of boxers at a time.
By
doug mulliken
Published: Thursday, May 6, 2004
Published: Thursday, May 6, 2004
In one particularly appropriate episode of Seinfeld called "The Chinese Woman," Kramer says, in reference to his underwear habits, "I need the secured packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!" Similarly, Garth Algar opines about his underwear habits, "it's like a new pair of underwear... at first it's constrictive, but then it becomes a part of you." Both of these are completely understandable viewpoints. After all, what kid didn't grow up rocking Fruit of the Looms, and the little tag on the back with the grapes and apples, or the ubiquitous Jockeys with the weird logo on the waistband?
But, with time so too comes change, and as we get older, our preferences in almost everything begin to mature. Girls go from having cooties to having attributes slightly more visible to the untrained eye. It suddenly matters what type of shoe you have, or if your shorts touch your knee or not. And, last in this list, but certainly not least in it, your underwear palate expands. Those white-bread BVDs start looking a little too... let's say third grade. So you buy yourself a pair of boxers. Wow! These things feel great! So much air, so much freedom! No more constant adjustments, no more harsh lines on your thighs... boxers are, indeed, the underwear man was supposed to wear!
However, what if man was actually not intended to wear any underwear at all? Returning to Kramer, we find the answer. You see, he discovers that, perhaps due to his need of all things tighty-whitey, he has a low sperm count, and so decides to give up underwear completely in an effort to protect what he has. When Jerry asks him how he's doing, Kramer exclaims, "I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!" Out there, indeed.
Let's face facts, shall we? The only difference, as far as I can see, or feel for that matter, between boxers and no underwear whatsoever is that with boxers there is an extra layer of clothing between you and the outside world. For some people (the weak, usually), that, um, bare fact alone is too much. As an appalled Jerry says, "the only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine."
However, unless you walk around announcing your lack of skivvies, then nobody really has to know, right? It could be your little secret.
Therein, however, lies the conundrum. The type who rocks it commando style is not, then, the type who keeps it to himself. Either he is wearing low-rise jeans with his happy trail smiling out from the bottom of his one-size-too-small vintage t-shirt, or he is the West Coast type who can't be bothered to do his laundry and so just wears the same board-shorts for a week.
We therefore have a magnet-like situation: one who does not wear underwear can never be also one who does not tell anyone about it - the negatives oppose one another. Science works out every time.
Going commando is seen as somewhat of a social taboo, despite the fact that virtually every civilization in history with the exception of ours has done so. I can almost assure you that Julius Caesar went commando his entire life; anyone who has seen Braveheart already knows about the Scots; Pacific Islanders didn't wear much, so underwear was definitely out of the question. However, we are none of those things. We are thoroughly modern academics, and therefore we wear shoes with no socks, plaid boxers underneath khaki shorts, and pastel-colored shirts (sans undershirt) with the collar turned up, to keep the backs of our necks from getting... cold... or something.
And what about all those arguments about the genital area needing to remain warm? Although it is slightly counterintuitive, the truth is that heat does more damage to your testes than cold. In fact, one suggestion doctors often give men with low sperm counts is to place, as awful as it sounds, an ice cube on their testes. I have no idea what this does to the whole process, but it says so on the internet, so it must be true, right? What is indisputable, however, is the fact that heat is not a good thing for your sexual organs - it can do as much damage to your sperm as getting kicked in the 'ole privates would.
Another misleading idea, that without underwear your balls would begin to sag, is also without merit. That would suggest that your body was not able to deal with the everyday strains that life would put on it. Using this logic, human beings might as well wear gloves all day, too, because our hands are not made to deal with whatever it is we subject them to. Man is just as capable of spending an entire lifetime without genital support as a bear or gorilla is. Of course, if your parts look like a gorilla's or bear's, you might want to seek medical help... and, not tell anyone about it.
Perhaps the most convincing reason to "freeball" is, in the end, the one you might expect. Girls love it. Absolutely every women's magazine ever made, from Cosmo to Red Book, has, on at least one occasion, run an article saying something similar to the following: "this renegade is a free-spirit, both in his fashion sense and in his lifestyle. He is anti-establishment and always ready for a party, or a skydiving session. Confident and rebellious, he's a player who's not looking for commitment, and he'd love to make you his next fling." Don't know about you, but that sounds to me like a full endorsement, doesn't it?
So that's that. Underwear is constricting, hot, unnecessary, and, most importantly, a turn-off in bed. Non semper ubi sub ubi! Don't wear underwear! Conquer the world!
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